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The Purpose of the Heart; Life, Not Happiness

Many times we listen to our hearts, men and women alike. It oftentimes seems like the easiest choice, a no brainer in more than one way. But how often do we sit down and consider situations and try to balance the heart and brain evenly.  Maybe I’m bitter and cold, two things I’ve been called before. And yes, listening to your heart may seem like the easiest choice at first, but in retrospect nine out of ten times we find ourselves saying, I should have thought it out or I ignored my intuition or simply they had a bad feeling about it but can’t choose who they fall in love with. See right there is what I have an issue with, the notion that we can’t choose who we fall in love with. 

As someone who experiences enough pain on an everyday basis, aside from heartache, I try to limit anything extra.  So when people claim they can’t choose who they fall in love with, maybe the first mistake is that you fell in love. How about walking into love? As someone whose cheeks are currently tearstained from the aftershocks of love or something like that, I’m not one to give advice, but I can report observations and lived experiences.

Maybe we can’t choose who we have an attraction to, but love is a process despite Common’s claim that it don’t take a day to recognize sunshine. Sunshine or not, I want to take the time to truly appreciate a full day of beauty, the sunrise, horizon, high peak at noon, and sunset.  And a day may not seem like a long time but remember it took God six days to create the earth so the notion of days is relative.  Why not enjoy the sunshine but also see the complex beauties and disasters that a day can bring too.  Also we must realize that sunshine is not always as wonderful as it seems. Today is a snow day in my neck of the woods and after coming in from taking the dogs out, the sun was so bright against the snow, it literally blinded me.  So while it may not take a day to recognize sunshine, in only takes moments to be blinded by it. 

Although this blog is riddled with metaphors and imagery I want to break away from that and get back to the basics. The job of your heart is to keep you alive, point blank. The job of your brain is to process messages, including pain. So if we’re blindly following our heart we’re simply sending messages of pain the brain processes.  Whereas, if we do things slightly different we can rely on our hearts to keep us alive and rely on our brains to keep us from looking at the sun too long. 

Show Your Face

By Guest Blogger: Dandelion

Before I began the first blog of my life, I would like to sincerely thank Ziah for providing me with the opportunity to share my thoughts. It is because of fearless voices like hers, that I have grown to unapologetically accept my own stream of consciousness. She was looking for writers a while back, and I jokingly said I would contribute. About a month later, here I am, a new voice in an overly saturated blogging world. However, unlike rap these days, most of the blogging world has something unique to contribute no matter how many blogs exist. What is my unique contribution you ask? I would hope the fact that my fingerprints are one of kind, count for something. But if that’s not enough to convince you, I would just suggest that I am a truth-sayer. No one tells my truth like me, because my truth is unique to my existence. I hope to present my thoughts on how I view the world, in a way not that you agree, but that you understand where this sistah is coming from. With that, the blogging shall begin….

I will never forget when I opened up the pages to the Prologue of Ralph Ellison’s novel The Invisible Man. As I read the words:

I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted  Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids---and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible understand, simply because people refuse to see me (Ellison, 3).

tears began to fill my eyes. I looked behind me to make sure Ralph Ellison was not peering over my shoulder. My heart raced, as I looked to the front of the book where the publishing date of 1952 was plastered on the page. If the book was published before both my parents were conceived and Mr. Ellison was not standing behind me, how could he articulate that which I felt in my gut?  That one paragraph felt as though Mr. Ellison reached inside me, stole my feelings, put them in a book, and changed the word woman to man, to make it seem he wasn’t a literary thief. I had forgotten about this piracy of my feelings, until today. As much as it happens, I should be immune to being invisible. But I have to admit, that even the thickest skin can crack. It can heal, yet and still it’s susceptible to cracking when faced with people who look above you, and not at you. But this blog is not about me and my feelings of invisibility.  I said all this to explore the question of what happens when the invisible becomes visible. Case in point, Gabourey Sidibe.

Gabourey Sidibe has the honor of gracing the 25^th Anniversary Cover of Elle Magazine. When I found out the news I immediately became excited for her. However, my excitement turned to anger when I read comments that stated such things as, “they always want to put these type of black women on the cover of magazines to show we all look like this” or “they just continue to perpetuate stereotypes by propping this girl up” and blah, blah, blah. To those who state they always put “these” black women on magazines, when was the last time you saw a black woman that looked like Gabourey on a magazine? I’m waiting… (all you hear is crickets).  To those who say they are perpetuating stereotypes by propping “this girl” up?  Do you even know what a stereotype is? A stereotype is an ignorant conclusion of someone, based upon an ignorant assumption. It has nothing to do with facts!  A stereotype does not exist in the REAL F-ING WORLD. A stereotype is conceived in someone’s highly left field imagination that has no real contact with the type of person they are creating. I say no real contact, because me cooking in your kitchen and happily raising your white babies, me slaving in your fields, you seeing me in a couple of music videos or gangsta movies does not equal REAL CONTACT. Stereotypes do not have feelings or emotions beyond what the author in her or his (yes her always goes first, ‘f’ what ya heard) assumptive imagination creates for that stereotype.

Last time I checked Gabourey Sidibe was a human being, not a stereotype. But as I am realizing, this type of pervasive ignorance, this type of I don’t like seeing Gabourey Sidibe because she looks too black, too fat, too comfortable in her own skin and how dare she not apologize to the entire human race for existence type ignorance, is what happens when the invisible becomes visible. I, at one point, had become comfortable in my invisibility. I thought, “if they don’t see me who cares?” Then I woke up and realized, they want me to hide behind this veil of apology that they have created for me.  But I learned a thing or two from Gabourey. She taught me never to be afraid to show your face. When they try to X you out, just show your face. Keep on showing your face, till they have no choice but to look at you and put you on the cover of Elle magazine. You ain’t got too like what you see, but that won’t stop me. Thank you Gabourey for reminding me that the only person I owe an apology to is myself for being too afraid to show my face. To all my beautiful sistahs out there, take the veil off and show your face.

Missing Bear

Today my ferret passed. I have no words, just tears.

Lyrical Therapy w/ Amaziah Z.

For those of you who don't already know, I LOVE music. I'm a hip hop head, I love R & B, I love oldies, some rock, all of it.  This is part of the reason I often use music and lyrics to support my blogs. Music serves as so many things for us, I want to extend my love affair with music to the blog, blurring the lines of text and genres.   I started doing a song of the day on my facebook, but wish to extend it, with some amendments, to my blog.  Starting today, once a week, I will post a song of the week.  Then within the next few days the following blog will reflect the motivating factors behind the the choice for song of the week.

 For this week, the song of the week is Corinne Bailey Rae: Closer. Enjoy.


Next Blog Due September 3rd... but we all know how I am with deadlines, even those I make for myself. Much love and Peace.

~Ziah~

Freedom, Rebellion, and Responsibility…

     Is it possible to take too much responsibility for the things that happen, or don’t happen, in your life? When is it time to live by the saying, don’t stress about that which you cannot change? As a woman, more specifically a working class, Black woman with a unique history of struggle, suffering from the superwoman syndrome I take on a lot of burdens and unnecessary responsibilities. This led me to wonder when does responsibility become too much? How do we undo ourselves from these loads, acting stubborn like a true mule, to gain even the most miniscule sense of freedom?

     Before discussing taking on too much responsibility I need to discuss the flipside, rebelling against responsibility, because this is more often the case than the first predicament in this day in age. Over the past few weeks, well really the majority of my life but over the past few weeks it’s been a concentrated effort, I conversed with various people about different subjects all centered around the topic of responsibility and maturity or lack thereof. For example, a family member in her teens simultaneously wants people to treat her as an adult, while at the same time dodging all sorts of responsibility. Signs of maturity, in my book, include communication skills, ability to understand and articulate events and consequences, and doing things in life simply because these things need to be done. Although there are more characteristics of maturity than I listed, these are the most relevant to this blog.

Here is a conversation said relative and I had a few days back, well more like a few weeks now (damn procrastination). Disclaimer: I changed certain names and details to protect identities. “SFM” stands for Said Family Member and my dialogue is indicated by “Z.” My mom’s lines are distinguished with “Mom.”

Z: “”So SFM, I know you often feel like we are treating you like a baby, so let’s talk as adults and one factor of being adult is being able to communicate.”

SFM: “OK,” she said unsurely looking everywhere but at me. I already knew this conversation wasn’t going anywhere before it even started.

Z: “What’s been going on? Lately there’s been a disconnect between what is expected of you and what you expect from yourself.”

Background info: SFM recently made a lot of bad decisions. Out of respect for SFM, I won’t go into specifics, but the people she surrounds herself with don’t bring out the best in her and vice versa. The past few weeks she’s reached a climax of terrible. My friend Lucky once told a kid at the summer camp we both worked at last summer, who was a pretty bad kid, the following. “_________ there is a scale of badnesss that goes like this; terrible, bad, decent, and then good. You are TERRIBLE! So even when you are acting good, you’re just BAD!” This quotation exemplifies SFM lately. Even when she acts good, she’s just bad. I don’t want to be discouraging to SFM’s development and life choices but let’s be real. At this point in time, she’s JUST BAD, if not terrible. Read the conclusion of the conversation for further evidence of this point.

SFM: “I don’t know.”

Ma: “Can you elaborate; after all you want to be treated like an adult so let’s talk like adults.”

SFM: “Ok,” she responds with the same level of uncertainty as before.

Z: “You decided to run away, what made you think that was a good decision?” 

SFM: “I didn’t run away.” This is a key indicator of immaturity; lack of self responsibility and extreme denial of key events. SFM did run away. Mom said she could stay but if she can’t obey the rules she can’t live in her house. That’s not kicking someone out, something she fails to realize.

Z: “Regardless, that’s not the point. The end effect is the same regardless. You left home without your guardian knowing where you were. Did you enjoy your time away?”

SFM: “Yes!” she expressed sure of herself for the first time in the conversation, again to show out of touch with consequences she is.

     Given what happened while she was away, I know that was a damn lie. In order to handle and understand responsibility, you have to be honest not only with others but with yourself. When you are dishonest with others, the OJ phenomena happens and the lies start becoming your truth. After all the truth is subjective, so if you constantly perceive something as true long enough, it literally becomes your truth and that can permanently stunt your growth. The conversation continued along the same path; curt answers, guarded responses, and deflecting, which equals no progress. Although a short dialogue in a lifetime of irresponsibility, I hope the previous conversation helps to outline my qualms with these types of life styles and how these decisions are motivated by self centeredness.

     I had a similar conversation with a male friend. He and I were discussing relationships. He is an infamous cheater and everyone, but his girlfriend, knows. I asked him how he can love someone but continually be unfaithful and dishonest. He responded that he is young (he ain’t that young) and it is his time to be young and have fun since he’s not married yet. He insists that when he gets married he will be faithful, like somehow he will magically, after saying “I do,” stop cheating. Ok…

     He goes on to emphasize the importance of sex in a relationship. I asked if loving someone makes the sex better. His rebuttal, “naw, maybe for women that is the case, but for men we need good sex.” I asked why he could not find someone who fulfills all his needs. The conversation went on a while until I ended it realizing we would never reach a common ground. The main themes of the conversation were the constant omission of responsibility to his relationship and blaming things such as his age and gender, to name a few. I attributed his attitudes to mental age, because similar to SFM, neither of them truly examined their roles in the given situations. Although these are only two examples, they are not isolated incidents within the individuals discussed lives or society as a whole.

     Why is the norm becoming more and more self centered, working to avoid responsibility and gaining instant gratifications all under the guise of being “grown,” yet missing the key factor in growth—RESPONSIBILITY! This is also something I need to work on myself to certain extent because I am always making excuses for others and oftentimes myself, for ditching responsibility. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that; however, my issues are slightly different in regard to responsibility. When I make excuses for others, I usually personally take on the responsibilities they avoided. So by excusing them I carry on the excused burden myself causing me to take on too much responsibilities and burdens and afflict myself to the position of superwoman or a “mule of the earth.”

     For example, while growing up my father was in and out of my life, until recently, along with a whole lot of other family drama. When my father would disappear for month on end I excused his actions internally by placing the responsibility on myself, that I wasn’t good enough or worthy. Lately I am coming to terms with this relationship and healing, but the insecurity was already there. This is kind of a circular argument. I responded to the previous situation the way I did because I was insecure, causing even more insecurity. I now see this is not as uncommon as I originally thought, but that doesn’t change the fact that this caused habits to form, insecurities to grow, and exhaustion, a permanent state of exhaustion.


     Therefore, how does one not take on too much responsibility? Taking on too much responsibility can be just as damaging, just in a different manner, as neglecting responsibility. I came up with the theme of this blog after dealing with SFM and realizing the responsibility she put off for her actions I personally picked up in twofold. As someone who deals with chronic pain, the negative stress, because there is such a thing as positive stress, has negative health consequences. The demand for this particular blog increased after a conversation with my dad’s wife, no relation.

     The following information is something I consider my scarlet letter. Just this fact shows the trend early on of taking on burdens or responsibilities that are in no way my own. I am revealing this to say this is a very sensitive subject that, even after more than two decades, the wound is just as fresh as day one. In fact, even as I write this I have to work hard to hold back tears. But then again, maybe holding everything in and repressing feelings is destructive. It literally eats me up inside but I am not at a point in my life where I can deal with these things head on. Writing this blog, although I maintain a great deal of ambiguity, is a testament. My whole life I have had to continually apologize for my existence, I'm not doing it anymore. I am here for a reason and whoever does not want to accept that does not have to, from this point on; I do not care anymore about those who make me feel guilty for being born.

     My very existence was unwanted in a variety of ways. Throughout my lifetime many people made this clear in one way or another. How can someone have a firm foundation on something so flimsy? They can’t. Many people are accidents, this is a fact, but my situation holds a certain uniqueness. My dad’s wife despises my existence. She’s gone as far as to say she hopes I die while I was sick in the hospital. I am 200% sure that she was sincere in her affirmation. Incidents such as the one explained above occurred since I was fourteen and before that my dad made it clear that I didn’t have as much worth for his paternal duties as his other children. I was an afterthought that he originally wanted to terminate before I became a problem. I internalized these events and reacted by attempting to be perfect in hopes of gaining acceptance. Taking all these responsibility on to myself at a young age while unable to have any control of the situation led to my failed attempts to gain control of the factors I could; such as my body. I suffered, and continue to fight, bulimia since I was eleven.

     By the time I had the tools to comprehend my situation, the situation I was literally born into, the damage was already done. As soon as I started to accept myself and attempted to push out these feelings of insecurity my dad’s wife calls. In January, my dad’s wife said she forgave and accepted me. Seems kind of backwards that she would have to forgive me but I was ready to put that part of my life behind me that I went along with it. Why she said this I don’t know, because obviously she didn’t mean a damn word that was coming out of her mouth. A few weeks ago her true colors came out.

     I don’t want to give all the details of the conversation because I don’t want to get petty. The main fact is she called to reinforce my insecurities of myself as a human being. She wanted me to apologize for my existence and for the first time I stood up to her. I didn’t stoop to her level and get ignorant. Instead after she finished talking, while holding back tears and trying to sound firm and assertive I stated, “I am sorry that you feel that way, but I have been apologizing for my existence my whole life. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m ending this conversation with that. Have a wonderful night.” With that I changed my number and put this behind me because for one of the first times in my life, after crying and taking on the burden, I came to my senses and let go of responsibility of the way my dad’s wife and my own situation because I have no control over that. Although it’s slow in coming, I think I am on the right track to finding the balance of responsibility in order to maintain internal freedom. Long story short, well not really because it’s already a long story, these are gray areas, works in progress, and open for interpretation because responsibility, rebellion, and freedom are subjective terms.

Life and Blog Updates

Dear Readers,

     I apologize for missing my own deadline. I just typed the latest blog and, after editing, I will publish it.  I also have personal updates. I am in the process of changing my name to Amaziah. I will oftentimes use Zia or Z for short.  For the reminder of the life of this blog this will be the case. It is a long time coming but I feel at peace with the decisions. It is all part of the ritual of accepting myself while at the same time transforming myself. Thank you for you patience, it won't be in vain.

     In the meantime check out the video for my Lendactic's new business, Positive Wraps. Enjoy


~Z~