Is it possible to take too much responsibility for the things that happen, or don’t happen, in your life? When is it time to live by the saying, don’t stress about that which you cannot change? As a woman, more specifically a working class, Black woman with a unique history of struggle, suffering from the superwoman syndrome I take on a lot of burdens and unnecessary responsibilities. This led me to wonder when does responsibility become too much? How do we undo ourselves from these loads, acting stubborn like a true mule, to gain even the most miniscule sense of freedom?
Before discussing taking on too much responsibility I need to discuss the flipside, rebelling against responsibility, because this is more often the case than the first predicament in this day in age. Over the past few weeks, well really the majority of my life but over the past few weeks it’s been a concentrated effort, I conversed with various people about different subjects all centered around the topic of responsibility and maturity or lack thereof. For example, a family member in her teens simultaneously wants people to treat her as an adult, while at the same time dodging all sorts of responsibility. Signs of maturity, in my book, include communication skills, ability to understand and articulate events and consequences, and doing things in life simply because these things need to be done. Although there are more characteristics of maturity than I listed, these are the most relevant to this blog.
Here is a conversation said relative and I had a few days back, well more like a few weeks now (damn procrastination). Disclaimer: I changed certain names and details to protect identities. “SFM” stands for Said Family Member and my dialogue is indicated by “Z.” My mom’s lines are distinguished with “Mom.”
Z: “”So SFM, I know you often feel like we are treating you like a baby, so let’s talk as adults and one factor of being adult is being able to communicate.”
SFM: “OK,” she said unsurely looking everywhere but at me. I already knew this conversation wasn’t going anywhere before it even started.
Z: “What’s been going on? Lately there’s been a disconnect between what is expected of you and what you expect from yourself.”
Background info: SFM recently made a lot of bad decisions. Out of respect for SFM, I won’t go into specifics, but the people she surrounds herself with don’t bring out the best in her and vice versa. The past few weeks she’s reached a climax of terrible. My friend Lucky once told a kid at the summer camp we both worked at last summer, who was a pretty bad kid, the following. “_________ there is a scale of badnesss that goes like this; terrible, bad, decent, and then good. You are TERRIBLE! So even when you are acting good, you’re just BAD!” This quotation exemplifies SFM lately. Even when she
acts good, she’s just bad. I don’t want to be discouraging to SFM’s development and life choices but let’s be real. At this point in time, she’s
JUST BAD, if not terrible. Read the conclusion of the conversation for further evidence of this point.
SFM: “I don’t know.”
Ma: “Can you elaborate; after all you want to be treated like an adult so let’s talk like adults.”
SFM: “Ok,” she responds with the same level of uncertainty as before.
Z: “You decided to run away, what made you think that was a good decision?”
SFM: “I didn’t run away.” This is a key indicator of immaturity; lack of self responsibility and extreme denial of key events. SFM did run away. Mom said she could stay but if she can’t obey the rules she can’t live in her house. That’s not kicking someone out, something she fails to realize.
Z: “Regardless, that’s not the point. The end effect is the same regardless. You left home without your guardian knowing where you were. Did you enjoy your time away?”
SFM: “Yes!” she expressed sure of herself for the first time in the conversation, again to show out of touch with consequences she is.
Given what happened while she was away, I know that was a damn lie. In order to handle and understand responsibility, you have to be honest not only with others but with yourself. When you are dishonest with others, the OJ phenomena happens and the lies start becoming your truth. After all the truth is subjective, so if you constantly perceive something as true long enough, it literally becomes your truth and that can permanently stunt your growth. The conversation continued along the same path; curt answers, guarded responses, and deflecting, which equals no progress. Although a short dialogue in a lifetime of irresponsibility, I hope the previous conversation helps to outline my qualms with these types of life styles and how these decisions are motivated by self centeredness.
I had a similar conversation with a male friend. He and I were discussing relationships. He is an infamous cheater and everyone, but his girlfriend, knows. I asked him how he can love someone but continually be unfaithful and dishonest. He responded that he is young (he ain’t that young) and it is his time to be young and have fun since he’s not married yet. He insists that when he gets married he will be faithful, like somehow he will magically, after saying “I do,” stop cheating. Ok…
He goes on to emphasize the importance of sex in a relationship. I asked if loving someone makes the sex better. His rebuttal, “naw, maybe for women that is the case, but for men we need good sex.” I asked why he could not find someone who fulfills all his needs. The conversation went on a while until I ended it realizing we would never reach a common ground. The main themes of the conversation were the constant omission of responsibility to his relationship and blaming things such as his age and gender, to name a few. I attributed his attitudes to mental age, because similar to SFM, neither of them truly examined their roles in the given situations. Although these are only two examples, they are not isolated incidents within the individuals discussed lives or society as a whole.
Why is the norm becoming more and more self centered, working to avoid responsibility and gaining instant gratifications all under the guise of being “grown,” yet missing the key factor in growth—RESPONSIBILITY! This is also something I need to work on myself to certain extent because I am always making excuses for others and oftentimes myself, for ditching responsibility. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that; however, my issues are slightly different in regard to responsibility. When I make excuses for others, I usually personally take on the responsibilities they avoided. So by excusing them I carry on the excused burden myself causing me to take on too much responsibilities and burdens and afflict myself to the position of superwoman or a “mule of the earth.”
For example, while growing up my father was in and out of my life, until recently, along with a whole lot of other family drama. When my father would disappear for month on end I excused his actions internally by placing the responsibility on myself, that I wasn’t good enough or worthy. Lately I am coming to terms with this relationship and healing, but the insecurity was already there. This is kind of a circular argument. I responded to the previous situation the way I did because I was insecure, causing even more insecurity. I now see this is not as uncommon as I originally thought, but that doesn’t change the fact that this caused habits to form, insecurities to grow, and exhaustion, a permanent state of exhaustion.
Therefore, how does one not take on too much responsibility? Taking on too much responsibility can be just as damaging, just in a different manner, as neglecting responsibility. I came up with the theme of this blog after dealing with SFM and realizing the responsibility she put off for her actions I personally picked up in twofold. As someone who deals with chronic pain, the negative stress, because there is such a thing as positive stress, has negative health consequences. The demand for this particular blog increased after a conversation with my dad’s wife, no relation.
The following information is something I consider my scarlet letter. Just this fact shows the trend early on of taking on burdens or responsibilities that are in no way my own. I am revealing this to say this is a very sensitive subject that, even after more than two decades, the wound is just as fresh as day one. In fact, even as I write this I have to work hard to hold back tears. But then again, maybe holding everything in and repressing feelings is destructive. It literally eats me up inside but I am not at a point in my life where I can deal with these things head on. Writing this blog, although I maintain a great deal of ambiguity, is a testament. My whole life I have had to continually apologize for my existence, I'm not doing it anymore. I am here for a reason and whoever does not want to accept that does not have to, from this point on; I do not care anymore about those who make me feel guilty for being born.
My very existence was unwanted in a variety of ways. Throughout my lifetime many people made this clear in one way or another. How can someone have a firm foundation on something so flimsy? They can’t. Many people are accidents, this is a fact, but my situation holds a certain uniqueness. My dad’s wife despises my existence. She’s gone as far as to say she hopes I die while I was sick in the hospital. I am 200% sure that she was sincere in her affirmation. Incidents such as the one explained above occurred since I was fourteen and before that my dad made it clear that I didn’t have as much worth for his paternal duties as his other children. I was an afterthought that he originally wanted to terminate before I became a problem. I internalized these events and reacted by attempting to be perfect in hopes of gaining acceptance. Taking all these responsibility on to myself at a young age while unable to have any control of the situation led to my failed attempts to gain control of the factors I could; such as my body. I suffered, and continue to fight, bulimia since I was eleven.
By the time I had the tools to comprehend my situation, the situation I was literally born into, the damage was already done. As soon as I started to accept myself and attempted to push out these feelings of insecurity my dad’s wife calls. In January, my dad’s wife
said she forgave and accepted me. Seems kind of backwards that she would have to forgive me but I was ready to put that part of my life behind me that I went along with it. Why she said this I don’t know, because obviously she didn’t mean a damn word that was coming out of her mouth. A few weeks ago her true colors came out.
I don’t want to give all the details of the conversation because I don’t want to get petty. The main fact is she called to reinforce my insecurities of myself as a human being. She wanted me to apologize for my existence and for the first time I stood up to her. I didn’t stoop to her level and get ignorant. Instead after she finished talking, while holding back tears and trying to sound firm and assertive I stated, “I am sorry that you feel that way, but I have been apologizing for my existence my whole life. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m ending this conversation with that. Have a wonderful night.” With that I changed my number and put this behind me because for one of the first times in my life, after crying and taking on the burden, I came to my senses and let go of responsibility of the way my dad’s wife and my own situation because I have no control over that. Although it’s slow in coming, I think I am on the right track to finding the balance of responsibility in order to maintain internal freedom. Long story short, well not really because it’s already a long story, these are gray areas, works in progress, and open for interpretation because responsibility, rebellion, and freedom are subjective terms.
