About a week ago Dr. Mc____________ diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. I knew a little about it from the Lyrica commercials. The little bit I did know, I mainly knew there was no cure. This is permanent. The National Fibromyalgia Association webpage defines it as such:
Fibromyalgia (pronounced fy-bro-my-AL-ja) is a common and complex chronic pain disorder that affects people physically, mentally and socially. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome rather than a disease. Unlike a disease, which is a medical condition with a specific cause or causes and recognizable signs and symptoms, a syndrome is a collection of signs, symptoms, and medical problems that tend to occur together but are not related to a specific, identifiable cause.
Fibromyalgia, which has also been referred to as fibromyalgia syndrome, fibromyositis andfibrositis, is characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. For those with severe symptoms, fibromyalgia can be extremely debilitating and interfere with basic daily activities.
What this means for me, other than waking up most days feeling like I was hit by a bus the night before; Memory loss a.k.a Fibro fog. Great, that is what I need. A Black woman in a discipline dominated by whiteness, in more ways than one, a discipline where I have to work twice as hard, no screw that, three times as hard, for people to think I barely got in to the program. Now I can't remember my next thought when writing a paper. Really looking forward to writing that dissertation. Loss of coordination, so the everyday pain can be accompanied by the bump, bruises, and scraps from falling, tripping, and running into things. Depression, insomnia, exhaustion, and less muscle recovery. What I heard; your life is gonna be miserable, if it's not one thing it's something else. As if simply working on a PhD didn't cause these symptoms already. Did I mention, the drugs really don't help anything but make me useless, dizzy, have blurred vision and keep me from being able to drink my glass of wine.
I could easily be defeated, feel like, what's the use... But I refuse. Stepping outside of myself and reading this blog I am sure I sound pathetic and I am OK with that. I don't mind venting, just as long as I use that rage in a productive matter. My medical history has always been sketchy and although I am used to it as much as you can be used to it, I am not desensitized.
Dr. Mc_________ told me that treating Fibro is 90% lifestyle change and 10% drugs. I decided to become a vegetarian about three days ago and to stay away from gluten. Today I ate yogurt and organic granola for breakfast, and rice and vegetables for lunch. I am also going to start belly dancing again, I cannot do high impact workouts but I can do low impact, rhythmic workouts. I want to take control of my life, live a healthier lifestyle, and defeat this. I want to go a day without crying and feeling like I am losing my mind, losing my life, and losing everything I hold dear. I need support. Carle clinic hold a Fibro support group every third Wednesday, I am going next Wednesday and I hope it helps to listen to people who have dealt with this.
This lifestyle change parallels my loc journey. For months I wanted to loc my hair but have been too scared. Too scared of people judging me, too scared of not being what people expect me to be, and too scared of commitment.
Me before locs:
I will put after pics up after my first appointment and subsequently thereafter.
At this point I don't care about any of that, just my well being because I am the only one who is going to keep me healthy and sane. I need to stay healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. I see locs as a way to reach internal peace.
Twenty days from today I will be on a road trip to New Orleans for the summer with a new attitude, healthier lifestyle, and an undefeated attitude. Giving myself deadlines keeps me on track. I may constantly and consistently be in pain, but that is not the end of me and I am not going to let this penetrate my soul, something I am still trying to regain.
Me before locs:
I will put after pics up after my first appointment and subsequently thereafter.
At this point I don't care about any of that, just my well being because I am the only one who is going to keep me healthy and sane. I need to stay healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. I see locs as a way to reach internal peace.
Twenty days from today I will be on a road trip to New Orleans for the summer with a new attitude, healthier lifestyle, and an undefeated attitude. Giving myself deadlines keeps me on track. I may constantly and consistently be in pain, but that is not the end of me and I am not going to let this penetrate my soul, something I am still trying to regain.
good luck. I hope you start feeling better and I'm sure you will look beautiful with your new hair style. Don't worry about what others think, I worried my whole life and when I stopped worrying about being myself is when I found happiness. It took 25 years, but I got there.
ReplyDeleteHey My Love, we have always been sisters in sickness and this pain you speak of that pushes us both into places of darkness and despair can not break our spirits. I applaud you for staying as positive as you have thus far and committing to managing it and changing your life for the betterment of yourself. I love you and the world can kick rocks if they have anything to say. The only one that matters is God the World has no control of you. Stay beautiful and strong as always and maybe one day when I dont work wed nights I can come to this support group with you ;-)
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